Availability

The fact that I had to spell check the title of this post might be a small sign of how unfamiliar I am with even the term “availability.” I think I’ve always wanted to be an available person, in theory, but in reality I have placed a much greater emphasis on productivity than availability. I’ve sadly expected others to be available to me, but my own pride falsely convinced me that I am too important to have any unscheduled time in my palm pilot.

Tonight I picked up a friend and Denver Seminary Doctoral student from the airport. Robert is a pastor in Compton (near Los Angeles) and flies up to Denver every 6 months to take a class towards his Doctoral degree. We met a couple years ago soon after Nat and I moved out here and now Robert and I see each other a few times a year. As we were driving to the seminary from the airport tonight, he mentioned how surprised he was that I was actually able to pick him up.

“How come?” I asked.

“Well, you’re always just so busy and got so much going on, I just didn’t expect you to be able to come get me on such short notice” Robert replied.

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard those words, but it was the first time I heard them and not been proud. I typically respond to comments like that with inner pride from my busyness, honored that someone realizes how “important” I am. For me, “busyness” has been synonymous with “importance”… until this summer.

These past few weeks have felt like a complete u-turn from my normal pace of life. In light of the impending birth of our first child, Nat and I both chose to take the summer off from taking grad school classes and have tried to be intentional about enjoying each other and our last few months being MWOKS (Married With Out Kids.) We are both still working part-time, but without the stress of school work, it has felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. It has been amazing.

Free time is way underrated. Having gaps in my schedule has been so life-giving. I’ve been able to spend days helping friends move. We’ve gone to dinner with other couples spontaneously, without planning it weeks in advance. I’ve enjoyed many days rafting down the Platte River with friends, just wasting time together. Nat and I have been able to watch movies at night…and tons of “30 Rock,” which only gets funnier with each episode. I’ve caught a few Rockies games…learn to breathe correctly while swimming…played some board games…and even had some alone time.

What I’m realizing is that somewhere between ages 13 and 31, I began to value having a packed schedule over being available to others. Middle school was the height of availability for me. I intentionally didn’t plan things, just so I could be free to go over to a friend’s house if I got invited last minute, which is typically the M.O. of most pre-teens. In High school, things began to change. The goal of not only being accepted at UNC, but more importantly, reaching the “pinnacle” of being a Morehead scholar quickly trumped any desire I had to be available to others. A full schedule equaled a full resume…and a full resume was exactly what I needed to elevate myself above the competition. O how deceptive is the ladder of success.

This summer I don’t feel very productive. I’m not checking a ton off my to-do list. Even the time I’ve spent writing this little post is worthless by any means of measure.

Even still, I’m becoming quite convinced that creating some margin in my calendar is worth it. I’m learning that availability leads to beautiful things…things like intimacy, friendship, and the community that I have been longing for.

I know that in a few weeks life is about to change. We'll have a baby, classes will start back, and Young Life will be in full swing. Heavenly Father, help me live with margin in every season of my life. I'm convinced its the way You intended life to be lived.